Risky

Today I realized that I'm too cautious. I don't like to take risks. I take the easy way.

Today I realized that my life is meh because I don't like to do things that are uncomfortable, different, or would require me taking a risk. I do have a good life. I have a job I absolutely love, and it pays the bills and then some, but I think I could be living a much more exciting life if I said screw it and just did things. But even as I wrote that, something inside of my was yelling no.

This summer was really my first time saying, I don't give a hell, I'm doing it. I became more adventurous, but I still was cautious when I was doing that. I made a big step when I said I'm moving out, I'm living on my own. If I wouldn't have taken that risk, I would be stuck doing nothing, or at least not doing what I am right now. That decision to move out was hard. It was tough living on my own when I didn't have a job. Then I took another chance and put my application in to a web design firm, and now I am working on web sites and loving it.

Looking at those few risks I took and the good that came from them makes me wonder what would happen if I would take more risks.

Looking back, have I made any decisions that have made a negative impact on my life? Not really. I mean, I've made decisions that hurt, or went wrong, but if I wouldn't have made those, my life would be completely different, and I don't think in a good way.

There are things in my life that aren't going the way I wanted them to. I tried to control them by being passive, but it didn't work. What if I would have been active? At the very least it would have been no different at all. So really I lost because I was being passive.

Most of my decisions are also based on other people and what they think of me. Even if I don't know them or haven't seen them before. I've held back a lot just because I want people to think highly of me, or at the very least, not think I'm an idiot. I also don't say a lot of what I think I should say, just because of the chance it might offend someone.

What am I trying to get at with all this? (sorry for my language) Don't give a damn. Screw being comfortable, if other people don't like me, oh well. Don't be so cautious to the point it's hurting you instead of helping.

This is a scary thought to me. I know it's what I want to do, but my logical self says no. But I am rebelling against my cautious side and taking risks.

What does this mean? Well, it first means not giving a damn about what other people think about me. This is going to be the hardest for me as I like to please other people. The second means saying what I want. I often don't say anything because I don't want to sound dumb or because it may have the chance of offending someone. Third it means taking risks. It means doing things I maybe normally wouldn't do and doing things that may be a little uncomfortable. Overall it means being active in getting what I want. Sure things aren't always going to go my way, but at least if they don't I can say I tried.

Watch out for a new me. One that takes risks.